Tuesday, 20th May 2003.
not been on the computer in a while, as i accidently fucked it up with a million viruses...because i'd been downloading music, and unbeknownst (is that such a word!) to me downloaded some viruses aswell. i'm feeling slightly happier than i have previously been feeling, which is kind of strange really considering i have all my a-s exams coming up. the first is on friday, and it's a double english literature exam. i haven't studied the texts enough (because i'm a lazy cunt) therefore i will fail. oh well! been on a couple of dates with m. i don't want to jinx things by saying that it's going well, because then something crap will surely happen. he is intelligent and funny, not to mention gorgeous, so i just hope things go okay.

Monday, 12th May 2003.
i've had another terrible day in a long line of shit days. and every day that passes is another day closer to my exams! i hate going through periods where every day just gets worse and you dislike yourself and other people more and more. it's so demoralising and annoying. i just want to be happy and for things to go well in all aspects of my life, but obviously that is too much to ask. i don't see contentment as being a selfish request though.
i'm not in a good mood (obviously) because the lad that i like (let's call him M) told me something that one of his friends said about me (okay, here's some background about his 'group'. they are considered to be the 'cool alternative' people at my college, when in reality they are stuck up elitist wankers. they hate everything that they don't know, they assume that they're better than everyone and they think that they are intelligent. the funny thing is that they are not cool or even 'alternative'...they are fucking narrow minded cunts). what was said is pretty irrellevant, but when i met up with them out of college i was made to feel unwelcome by a few of them. oh and before i finish...it worries me that this is the kind of twat that m associates himself with. is he going to be like them? at the moment i'm angry so i'll say that i don't give a fuck. however, i know later on i'll get upset like i always do. i just feel the need to hide all of this emotion from other people because it scares me.

Sunday, 11th May 2003.
i'm feeling quite lately because life at home isn't going to well. okay that's an understatement, it is so bad that i want to move out and i really mean that! i know everyone argues with their family but it's happening every day and i just can't take it anymore. it's such a waste of life. it's been like this for a couple of months and has been gradually getting worse. it's really depressing because i used to like spending time at home occasionally, but now i try to be out of the house all the time.
last night my parents totally flipped and were literally screaming at me and saying the worst possible stuff you could imagine. it's so degrading when they shout all this stuff that they don't like about you. i want to move out but don't have the means to do so. if i was rich then it would be alright because then i could afford a flat...no such fucking luck.
sometimes i get so pissed off with life, because as soon as things start going well something really bad happens to turn it all around. lately, my social life has been great and i've met lots of nice blokes ;) i've been getting with this lad from college who is lovely and i felt so happy. i'd liked him for a few months but stuff has only recently started happening. the whole situation at home has made things difficult because i'm always in a horrible mood.
however, in a pathetic attempt to be cheerful, i'm getting on better with my little sister and even coloured her hair a shade of purple today!